Today is Nic Cage Day across the Curbediverse, a day for celebrating The Legend and his legendary real estate hijinks. Why? Because Nic Cage.
221 years after St Louis Cemetery #1 opened its gates to the recently departed, a nine foot tall pyramid was erected spanning two plots for the totally still living Nicolas Cage. The 2010 tomb came about before his boisterous NOLA-loving arrest and shortly after Regions Bank acquired two of his most famous Big Easy acquisitions in a foreclosure auction — the famed LaLaurie Mansion and a former church at 2523 Prytania St that Cage lovingly dubbed Our Lady of Perpetual Help Chapel. Apparently Cage figured that if his real estate portfolio was dead then he was next. In honor of Nic Cage day today, Curbed NOLA delves into the truly frightening side of everyone's favorite thespian realty-minded shitshow with a two hour liveblog from the aforementioned pyramid tomb starting at 11am CST.
11:09am: It's warm as hell, people are commenting on the kiss marks, and I've now just blocked a photo because standing even 2' from the tomb obscures its view it is so large.
11:10am: Nobody here wants to kiss Nic Cage's tomb but they sure what photos. Overheard: "I mean, he lost everything else. At least there's a tomb"
11:17am: The guy whose photo I blocked is leaning on the tomb like he's reclining on a chaise lounge.
11:26am: The Latin inscribed on Cage's tomb, "Omni Ab Uno," translates to "Everything From One,"so that r/onetruegod subreddit is true.
11:27am: hipsters are playing hide and go seek in the cemetery. I've lost track of the kiss marks on the space below the Latin inscription that translates to "Everything From One." Nic Cage's God complex rivals Kanye and yet no one will kiss the tomb while I'm here and praise the man that many consider the "One True God."
11:30am: No one thinks it's weird that I'm loitering by a 9' pyramid tomb. Also technically not loitering. I checked the municipal code.
11:33am: The first cemetery tour comes by. It's two people and one guide. The guide says the tomb takes up four plots, not two. Allegedly, Cage bought the tomb for $4M to be as close to voodoo queen Marie Laveau as possible. Guide shows cracks that were repaired on the tomb before walking away to other large tombs. I can only assume this is a "large tombs only" tour.
11:37am: Overheard: confused old tourist saying Johnny Depp may have bought the tomb. Another woman advocating for cremation. This liveblog just got more morbid only two cemetery tours in.
11:49am: There are nobs on either side of the slab entrance to the tomb. I'm assuming they were put there for where Nic Cage rises from the dead.
11:52am: Another cemetery tour comes by with perhaps the most informed tour guide on the planet pointing at tombs and stating their ages as well as relative history. Large tombs are society tombs. Nic Cage is his own society.
11:53am: Another tour guide calls Cage a mason, says he consulted with a medium who told him to build the tomb after being haunted at the LaLaurie Mansion.
12:02pm: Halfway there. I've encountered my first French tour, five other cemetery tours, accidentally blocked three photos, and tried to explain to a tourist what an above-ground cemetery is. (hint: we're standing in one) Two tourists are now fawning over the kiss marks on the tomb. No one has kissed it. Yet.
12:15pm: A couple takes photos of the tomb and briefly discusses interring their family in a pyramid. They determine "that's tacky" and walk away. This tomb has been through so much today. We both have. I'm developing a kinship with the structure and ask to buy it a beer. It doesn't respond. Tease.
12:24pm: Seven people have gathered around the tomb on their own accord. Three out of the seven call him "a little weird," then say he's from Long Beach, almost as an explanation. They all think the kiss marks came from Nic Cage. Overhead: "Those lips are a little too similar if you know what I mean."
12:34pm: Only half an hour left! Nobody has asked me why I'm standing here. I emanate transcendental Nic Cage waves of energy. Or I look like a hobo. It's really warm out so I stick my hand on the tomb to see if it's also warm. The pyramid is cold like the lowest level of a 25 cent love indicator. Dead fish/cold lover indeed. No wonder nobody's kissed this thing today.
12:45pm: I'm on the fence about kissing the tomb. I don't think I have any lipstick in my bag so no one will know except just me and the pyramid. I ask the tomb if it likes discretion. It just stands there like an inanimate object. Our psychic Cage connection may have been compromised in this moment.
12:55pm: I imagine a drunk undead Nic Cage stumbling "home" from partner in crime Marie Laveau's tomb after another wild night during the eneds times where they gossip and drink sangria out of novelty urns. I'm actually laughing out loud and still no one asks why or for what reasons. Psychic connection replenished!
12:59pm: I literally just stroked the tomb's empty stone marquis under the "Omnia Ab Uno" inscription and made a Vine. I've gone full Cage. Or at least I've become a sympathizer.
1:03pm: My live blog ends with a tourist now thinking that she's blocked my tomb photo. We've come full circle. Stats: six cemetery tours, three blocked photos, two conspiracy theories, no kisses. I leave you with this final overheard statement from cemetery tour guide number six: "Nic Cage uses the kisses to prevent a receding hairline." Oops.